{BOOK joy}

 I read  NieNie’s book, Heaven is Here,  and actually I haven’t been able to put it down.

I began reading it while I was sick in bed and it only took 2 days to finish it.

It was absolutely amazing and it is definitely one of the best books I’ve read.

It tells the story of a woman, Stephanie Nielsen, who was traveling with her husband Christian in an airplane shortly after he received his pilot’s license.

It tells the story of their life before the crash, what happened during the crash period, and then their life after.

You may recognize them from being on the Oprah show, she was on back in 2009, and told their story then.

She has a wildly popular blog that you can follow as well HERE.

At the time when this book came out, I knew I wanted to read it, but I just didn’t think my library would have a copy available for quite some time, so I kinda just forgot about it.

One day at the library my Heavenly Father was truly guiding me to this book.

You see, I happened to be at the library picking up some books for Jackson and I had a few extra minutes to spare so I walked around.

On my way out I saw a shelf that said “Hot off the Press” and low and behold at my eye level was this book!

I couldn’t believe it was sitting on the shelf.

I knew it was a very popular book and I was SURE that there would be a long waiting list,

so I didn’t even think to put my name on it, at least for about 6 more months or so.

But there it was……..sitting on the shelf.

hmmmm…i thought.

That is SO strange, I wonder why someone hasn’t checked it out.

I turned to walk away.

and then I stopped and came back.

I picked it up and decided to check it out.

I thought for sure that the system would glitch and not let me check it out because it was on hold for someone else,

but the librarian didn’t mention anything except that it was new and therefore had a 14 day limit.

“Great”, I thought. “I will NEVER finish it in time….oh well, I’ll just check it out anyway”.

and off I went on my merry little way.

I got home and put it on my nightstand without another thought.

and a day went by.

I kept thinking how strange it was that it was not checked out so I got on the library’s website to see if there truly were not any holds placed on it.

and that’s when I saw it.

34.

WOW.

I KNEW IT!

I knew that other people wanted to read it.

and then it sunk in……..

if this book has 34 holds on it, how in the WORLD was it possible that I just HAPPENED to pick it up at the library?!

and then i knew.

It was meant to happen.

It was a sign.

I was supposed to read this book.

I’ve really been struggling lately and this must be what I should be reading.

So that night I opened it up.

and I couldn’t put it down.

The next morning I read before the kids woke up.

and then again in the daytime, and finished it that night.

and now I realize why this book was destined to be in my hands right now.

Because it was an answer to a prayer.

A prayer that I have been asking over and over and over again.

This book is special,

it’s message is powerful,

not just for me,

but for so many others.

I cannot say enough how wonderful it is and let me stress that you need to read it!

but don’t get on my library’s waiting list…..because 34 people in front of you is a long time to wait 🙂

Here are some of the quotes that I especially liked from the book:

There is in every true woman’s heart a spark of heavenly heart a spark of heavenly fire,

which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity,

but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.

-Washington Irving

In the Book of Mormon , the prophet Nephi says,

“But Behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen,

because of their faith,

to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.”

In General Conference a few years earlier, one of the Twelve Apostles, Elder David Bednar, had given a talk about tender mercies.

He taught that tender mercies are moments when you feel personally recognized and assisted by Heavenly Father,

and ever since then, Christian and I had used that phrase to describe those moments in our lives.

My father asked Jesse ( her brother) to give me a priesthood blessing.

The rest of the family bowed their heads and listened as Jesse put his hands on me.

As he spoke, sure that my spirit could hear, he felt impressed to offer me a choice, essentially between heaven and earth.

It was time to decide, he said, if I was going to go or stay.

If I chose to stay in my body, he blessed me with a full recovery, a rich and happy life, and strength and patience as I healed.

 If I wanted to, though, he knew I could leave my mortal life behind.

The next day, my vital signs were up and the infection was almost gone- a tender mercy indeed.

As my mother told me about Jesse’s blessing, a whisper of memory fluttered inside me.

A memory emerged.

I  had made a choice.

I was away from my body, in that beautiful place where I spent time with Nana, and I was asked to choose.

I could stay there if I wanted, and be released from my physical body, or I could go back to Earth.

In either case, I had to work, and it could be accomplished in heaven or on Earth.

If I chose to return to my body, the road would be long and hard.

I would experience pain and embarrassment for the rest of my life, but I would know the joy of having a mortal body.

I missed my body in that moment and suddenly understood the gift a physical body is- even an injured body.

My spirit longed to be in my body again. It was my choice.

I thought about watching my girls get married and my boys go on missions, and I realized I could experience if from afar, but it wouldn’t be the same.

I was told that if I went back to Earth, my life would have meaning and purpose beyond what I could comprehend,

but I was reminded again that it would be difficult.

I asked what I could do to make it easier.

Let the light of your faith inspire other people, I was told.

Share your hope.

Having Nana help me was another confirmation that life does continue beyond this Earth.

It renewed my hope in another life to come, when I wouldn’t be hurt so badly, when my body and my spirit would be healed completely.

“Indeed Heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind”

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

(From the Book Of Mormon about our faith in the resurrection)

“The soul shall be restored to the body, and the body to the soul;

yea, and every limb and joint shall be restored to its body;

yea, even a hair of the head shall not be lost;

but all things shall be restored to their proper and perfect frame.”

Alma 40:23

I made it through the weeks and months after the crash, and through every day since, because I have faith in something larger than myself-

faith that God has a plan for me.

That belief is a source of inner strength that leads me to peace, comfort, and the courage to cope,

even when I don’t really feel like coping.

I know now, without a doubt that the true source of happiness, self-worth, and authentic beauty doesn’t come from the outside.

I have accepted myself in a world that does not accept me,

because I have learned- and more than any of the lessons of my accident, this is the one I wish I could teach everybody-

that our hearts matter most.

Your heart matters most, so be gentler and more patient with yourself,

and their hearts matter most too,

so be kinder and more compassionate to others.

It’s a beautiful heart, not a perfect body, that leads to a beautiful life.

To see the pillow and order it, you can view it here.

I LOVE Max Lucado.

Ever since I’ve had children and received the bestselling book,

You are Special

which goes on to tell the story of Eli, the woodcarver, who helps Punchinello understand how special he is

–no matter what other Wemmicks may think.–

It’s a vital message for children everywhere: that regardless of how the world evaluates them,

God cherishes each of them, just as they are.

I saw that he has written quite a few books, so I began reading the book, Before Amen- The Power of a Simple Prayer.

It was a book that was slow reading and took me a bit of time to get through, but some of the remarks from it really took my breath away.

I always read a little bit at a time, because I really wanted to take it what I had just read and let it jumble around in my brain.

I learned a lot of great things from this book and it has strengthened my life and definitely my prayers.

Here are my favorite quotes from the book:

Wouldn’t we all like to pray…

More?

Better?

Deeper?

Stronger?

With more fire, faith, or fervency?

When we invite God into our world, he walks in.

He brings a host of gifts: joy, patience, resilience.

Anxieties come, but they don’t stick.

Fears surface and then depart.

Prayer is simply a heartfelt conversation between God and his child.

Friend, it’s a stormy world out there.

Every day brings turbulence.

Moody economy.

Aging bodies.

Declining job market.

Increasing  street violence.

The question during these troubling

times is this:  Do we have a good pilot?

Life is a gift, albeit unassembled.

It comes in pieces, and sometimes it falls to pieces. Part A doesn’t always fit with part B.

The struggle is too great for the strength.

Inevitably, something seems to be missing. The pieces of life don’t fit.

When they don’t, take your problem to Jesus.

The punch line is clear: take your problem to Jesus.

Don’t take your problems to the bar.

Jim Beam cannot solve them.

Don’t take your problems out on others.

Temper Tantrums never advance the cause.

Jesus responds with this invitation: “Bring your problems to me”.

State them simply.

Present them faithfully, and trust him reverently.

God will do the same with you. He will use your struggle to change others.

Jesus will heal us all ultimately.

Wheelchairs,

ointments,

treatments,

and bandages

are confiscated at the gateway to heaven.

God’s children will once again be whole.

The Son of Man has power on earth to forgive sins (Mark 2:10).

Period.

End of discussion.

He has the final word on your life.

And his word is GRACE.

His ultimate will is inflexible,

but the implementation of his will is not.

He does not change in his character and purpose,

but he does alter his strategy because of the appeals of his children.

 Gratitude is a dialysis of sorts.

It flushes the self-pity out of our systems.

You’re never without hope,

because your never without prayer.

This was another book that I am SURE I was supposed to read.

I saw or heard about it somewhere and marked it on my goodread’s list, but didn’t have any intention of finding it so soon and actually reading it.

So I AGAIN thought it was strange to see it at the library, not checked out.

I grabbed it, checked it out, and the librarian informed me that because it was new I could only have it for 14 days.

Well, there is NO way that I would finish it in that frame of time, so I told her to just put it back on the shelf.

She asked me if I was sure and internally I felt a hint of

“Just take it home, maybe you’ll get through it”.

So I checked it out and set it on my nightstand.

I didn’t get to it for awhile, a few days passed, and then one night I picked it up.

I read about 3 paragraphs in and I fell in love.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to put it down.

I went back to the library the next week (when it was due) and the librarian informed me that they were updating their system and that everything I checked out lately would be good for another full week.

Their software allowed them to check stuff out, but not to check it back in, so just to hang on to everything for a bit longer.

Are you kidding me?!

How amazing is that, I thought.

So I had plenty of time to finish it and I couldn’t put it down.

I love the way Kelle writes,

I love the warm feeling that her words evoke,

I can feel the love she has for her children and the love her friends have for her.

I HIGHLY recommend this book forEVERYONE, it is truly a beautiful book.

I am so glad that I picked it up, I feel like again the Lord is guiding me to things that I need to read and be uplifted by.

Here are my favorite quotes from the book:

“I pushed. I pushed and watched as the tiniest little body came out of me, arms flailing, lungs wailing…

and then, they put her in my arms.

…and I knew.

I knew the minute I saw her that she had Down Syndrome and nobody else knew.”

I will never forget my daughter in my arms, opening her eyes over and over…she locked eyes with mine and stared…bore holes into my soul.

Love me. Love me. I’m not what you expected, but oh, please love me. 

That was the most defining moment of my life. 

That was the beginning of my story.

And then the room grew quiet and everyone was asked to leave.

 I started shaking. I knew it was coming.

My pediatrician snuggled Nella up in a blanket and handed her to me,

and she knelt down next to my bed.

She smiled so warmly and held my hand so tight.

And she never took her eyes off mine.

I need to tell you something.

…and I cried harder…

“I know what you’re going to say.”

She smiled again and squeezed my hand a little tighter.

The first thing I’m going to tell you is that your daughter is beautiful and perfect.

…and I cried harder.

…but there are some features that lead me to believe she may have Down syndrome.

I suppose it’s horrible to say you spent the first night your daughter was born in that state of agony,

but I know it was necessary for me to move on to where I am today.

And, knowing where I am today and how much I love this soul,

how much I know she was meant for me and I am meant for her,

knowing the crazy way our souls have intertwined and grown into each other.

I can say all this now.

It’s hard, but it’s real, and we all have feelings.

We live them, we breathe them, we go through them, and soon they dissolve into new feelings.

Over the course of the next several days, things just became beautiful.

I cried, yes, but they soon turned to tears of joy.

We will hold our precious gift and know that we are lucky.

I feel privileged.

I feel there is a plan so beautiful in store…and we get to live it.

Lots of things in life we go through aren’t comfortable or ideal,

but they could be so incredibly worse,

and a simple life of comfort does nothing to change us,

mold us, make us into better,

stronger more beautiful versions of ourselves.

And I think somewhere inside, something was preparing me.

 First, let me tell you something about strength.

You can’t buy it, and you most certainly cannot get it overnight.

It is earned, like muscle sinews that grow and fortify over years of hard exercise.

 Second, I wouldn’t say my glass is always half full.

There are days when it’s cracked and leaking,

days when it’s chipped and even shattered.

The chill of sadness was every bit as physical as it was emotional.

*I’ve never heard of this before, but going through it firsthand, it is the perfect description.

You are just cold, shivering, and nothing can warm you up.*

(This was a speech her friend gave her)

Kelle, I know you can’t see through this now, and that’s okay, because you just can’t and you won’t for a little while,

but I can and this makes so much sense to me.

You were made for this role.

You were.

I truly believe you were chosen for this and it makes so much sense.

Hard times are so good for people.

Not everyone gets to go through them,

but the ones who do…. I keep picturing a river with this crazy rushing current.

You can hang on and get exhausted struggling to just stay alive, stuck to that rock,

or you can let go and be carried by where it’s going to take you.

You have to let go.

There’s no going back.

You’re allowed to be sad.

But you are eventually going to have to get up and move.

 Go for a walk.

 Put makeup on.

 Do all the actions that tell yourself you are moving forward with life.

I just want this sadness to go away.

 I don’t want to be that family. I don’t want people to feel sorry for us.

I don’t want Lainey (other daughter) to be sad.

What did I do to her?

(Then her friend told her that there will always be a plus side.)

 “Lainey might not call Nella for her chicken casserole recipe, but she’ll be changed in ways she wouldn’t be otherwise.

 She told me that I was lucky.

that I’d been offered a shortcut to what life is all about when some people search for it their whole lives and never know.

 She said I had a secret-

a secret to happiness and that,

while people may look at me and pity me,

in time I’d feel like I knew something they didn’t.

You know, through pain, you learn a lot about yourself- things you thought you never knew you wanted to learn.

And it’s kind of like those animals that regrow a part of their body- like starfish.

 You might not feel it now.

 You might not even want to grow, but you will.

You’ll grow that part that broke off, and that growing, that blossoming- cannot happen without the pain.

We’re all conditioned by society about what is good, desirable, normal, and what is bad.

The sadness that you’re feeling right now is only because of conditioning.

Don’t let society determine how you feel.

 Don’t let your worries for tomorrow rob your joys of today.

Those tear ducts of mine were truly impressive- fully capable of making tears when you’d think they were done and dried up.

 *I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like this lately. I’ll be totally fine and then just lose it and start crying.

I swear, it’s like they come out of nowhere.

There was one day last week though, when I was telling a friend the latest hardship and I DIDN’T cry when I said it!

I saw it as a true milestone.*

Mothers have multiple hearts- one that beats inside them, rhythmically pumping blood up and down, in and out- and one for every child she welcomes.

There is a protective mama bear instinct that dwells within but lies dormant until life isn’t just about you anymore.

Then your joy receptors begin to be stimulated to immeasurable proportions, but it warns you of the pain-

the searing pain that loving a child brings-

pain that sometimes seems unbearable,

like a knife that’s been stabbed and twisted inside you.

I don’t think it ever stops being surreal when you become a mother.

 It’s just this constant state of I can’t believe I have a baby,

 I can’t believe I have a 2 year old,

 I can’t believe I have a kindergartener, 

I can’t believe I have a teenager,

and then one day you wake up,

hopefully not sooner than later,

and ask yourself, “When the hell did I become a grandma?”

I am one of the millions of human beings who experience pain and ultimately grow because of it.

I thought about it just about every moment I had alone.

 I cried while I lathered my hair in the shower.

I got lost in thought while driving alone.

I cried while I lay in bed in the dark at night consumed with what was happening.

*I don’t really have any words for this, except that I thought I was the only one. This describes countless moments for me*

I took my brokenness as an opportunity to once again ask myself what I believed and why I believed it.

“Everything happens for a reason” and “Oh, God knew what he was doing” and my personal favorite, “God chose you.”

While at first I nodded my head in agreement, I was beginning to wonder what that meant-

 that I was chosen.

What do you mean God chose me? 

Why? 

Because I deserve this? 

Because I’m such a freaking good mom that heartache would be the perfect reward?

I could question it,

 fight it,

and surrender to the flag of It’s not fair, or I could learn from it.

And I wanted to learn from it.

I realized I was the only one who had the power to move on and turn our curveball into a home run,

so I did my best to choose my perspective.

Confidence doesn’t always come in surges.

Sometimes- lots of times- it brews unbeknownst to us, building during the times we feel the least confident-

through the tears,

 the questioning,

the self-doubt,

 the begging God to make it better.

Oh yes- we hurt, but

we love so much deeper than the hurt.

It is a rite of passage for motherhood- to worry and to cry.

 We ache when they ache,

and we writhe with distress at the thought that they will,

 at some point in life, be hurt.

 And they will.

Our children will hurt, many times along our journey

, and there’s nothing we can do about it

but love them and hold them and whisper in their ears,

 “Oh, baby, Mama’s here.”

Part of facing your fear is going there.

You have to go there- to the deepest pain of what you fear.

You have to feel it- to hold the hot potato of hurt and know that even if life takes you to that place, you will get through it.

And knowing that not only allows you to let the fear go but it fuels you with a passion to make the best out of what you have,

 to grab the reins and purposefully steer yourself where you want to go.

Pain has a way of pulling you forward to a surprising place of,

 “I didn’t know I had it in me”,

and while you think there is no way you will ever make it through in the beginning,

you do.

Attending the convention may have blessed me with a new fearlessness, but I think the confidence was there all along-

hidden deep within me like a seed under cold, frozen ground.

It was very much alive, just quiet and unrecognized until the right elements were present to force it to bloom.

AND if you conquer a fear you didn’t think you’d overcome, you might just think you’re a rockstar!

Once you become a parent…once you know it’s not just you anymore…

well, you automatically carry around,

 for the rest of your life,

an increased likelihood of having your heart broken.

And it’s a constant fear that we struggle to put to rest.

We can choose to be afraid or we can choose to live.

And I choose to live. 

Because an increase likelihood of having your heart broken also carries with it an increased likelihood of finding yourself the happiest you’ve ever been in life.